2 weeks ago you were but just another stranger to me.

Now, you’re the source of all of my anxiety, driving me crazy and pushing me to the brink of depression. I can’t stop thinking about you, and I feel like my sole purpose right now is to pursue you and ensure your happiness.

What has become of me? Why am I like this? How did you do this to me? Or is this all my own doing?

Undo this spell you have on me, and let me be myself again. Please.



I hate watching movies, because they rarely have complete stories, and instead often finish with teasers for a sequel. I much prefer following TV series, where the writers try their best to tie up loose ends and bring story arcs together for a good series finale.

Right before you go to bed, what do you think about?

I often think about my mortality, and how this may be the last night I on this Earth. It’s pretty scary to think that as I go to “sleep”, I might stay that way and not wake up the next day.

These thoughts then run crazy and I begin to imagine scenarios of what it’d be like if I actually did die the next day. Imagine a typical weekday of yours, except this time, you were dead.

I usually have very little interaction with my parents in the mornings, so they probably would not realise that I haven’t been up yet. My door is usually locked too, so even if they wanted to come into my room, they could not.┬áMy colleagues would not miss me at the office, and assume I’m away at meetings.

What I imagine would happen is that sometime in the afternoon (after they come back from doing their morning errands), they would notice that my car was still at home (which is odd on a weekday), and they’d come by my room knocking, and asking what I’m up to.

It would be at that point when they’d realise something is amiss. Trying to call my phone would be to no avail as well. As they don’t have the key to my room door, it would have to be smashed down. Only then would they realise that I was no longer with the living.

My phone is locked with a password that no one knows, and it’s the same with my tablets and computers. There’d be no way that they’d be able to access either one. I wonder then, how would my friends and colleagues know what happened to me?

I think if I went missing for 2 days, my colleagues would then reach out to my phone, or try to call my emergency contact number (who is my mother). By then, I’d probably already be in the ground, as it’s customary for Muslims to bury someone as soon as possible. They wouldn’t have the chance to see me be buried.

My parents don’t know any of my friends, must less ways to contact them. Some of my colleagues do though, and upon hearing, would probably (I would hope so) inform the others and pass the message on. By then too, it would be too late for them as I’d already be buried in the ground.

As detached as I am from many emotionally, I know it isn’t the same for friends and family around me. My passing will leave many sad, as I’m sure I’ve left a mark on them. Strange as it may sound, that thought greatly comforts me, knowing that there are people who care for me enough that they’d cry when I die.

Kinda like how I prefer TV series to movies, it might also just be that thoughts of mortality comforts me, knowing that life will come full circle and end someday.

Post House Building Reflection

I usually enjoy EPIC builds for the camaraderie among strangers and the sense of satisfaction after completion, but this last build was special for me because I was given the honor of leading a team. The learning doesn’t stop as a Specialist, especially when Murphy’s Law strikes and things don’t go right.I love the ingenuity and creativity that comes into play when improvising solutions to fix these problems.

No drill bits to make a pilot hole? Use a self-tapping screw.
Got a warped 2×4? Grab all the clamps and bend it in.
Window won’t close nicely? Grab the rasp and file the frame down. If it still won’t fit (which was the case above, grab a hammer and whack the frame instead)

I’ve always heard that if you give people freedom, they’ll amaze you. I was pretty amazed last weekend.

“We’re not just building homes, we’re building people too”

DSC_2909 (1)

Me: “Could you do me a favor and watch this one video?”

Her: “Okay sure.”

Louie CK on Love from Izuan Izham on Vimeo.

Her: “….”

Her: “That’s so weird, that’s the exact same conversation we just had”

Me: “I couldn’t have said it better. That’s exactly how I feel about you”

Instead of focusing on the multitude of things that have gone wrong of late, I’ll write about the good things that touched me today:

1) woke up with less pain in my big toe. Not enough that I could still play badminton, but that I could still walk around without limping too much. Thank you body for healing

2) stranger on the lrt saw that I was looking lost and down, so offered me some candy. Thank you ma’am

3) colleagues saw me enter the office with my face looking on the floor, and immediately tried to cheer me up. Thanks guys.

4) late night support group chats at the office with peers, over nuggets and fries. Thanks McDonald’s delivery

5) accomplishing quite a lot at work today, hunkering down and trying not to think about you. Thank you computer of mine

6) focusing on whether good there may be, and disregarding all the bad. This is how I’ll approach healing. Thank you self



“People confuse the source of their happiness. They become temporarily happy when they get a new car, or a new house, or a new marriage. And they think that they are suddenly happy because of this new thing in their life. In reality, they are happy because for a brief moment, they are without desire. But then soon another desire comes along. And the search continues.”